Something to Fight For
by MarilynnRae
Summary: What if Shepard was able to save the little boy on Earth? A spin on what I would have liked to see happen. There will also be some Fem Shep and Kaidan going on later on in.
1. Chapter 1

_I decided to write this piece because of how broken hearted I became after the little boy died… So here it goes. It's a bit of Shepard (f) realizing a maternal instinct and a whole lot of adventure. It's going to go hand in hand with the game (minus exact dialog), so basically it's just what would have happened in my brain. Btw: I haven't played through the whole game yet so if there is some weird twist where the boy is still alive or something forgive me. _

Chapter 1

I knew to run, but the moment I saw him I couldn't. He was so shaken, so scared. To think, it was the same little boy I had seen just before the attack. Those big blue eyes watched me as fear pulsed through them. Suddenly an unknown feeling overwhelmed me and I carefully approached him, afraid of frightening him more.

"Hey," I nearly whispered. I crouch next to the vent and give the boy a small reassuring smile. "It's okay."

Immediately I feel ignorant for my choice of words. They boy may be young but he's not stupid. Things are not okay, hell things are nowhere near 'okay'. As I look closer at the little boy I notice there are no tears in his eyes.

As he speaks I notice the fear etched in his voice, but weaved with determined bravery. "Everyone's dying," he whispers moving further away from me. I try to reach out to him but he's just out of reach.

A ship nearly collides with the building and I glance away only for a moment as the boy gasps. I turn my attention back to him, the desperation to retrieve him and get him to safety pumps my heart faster.

"Come here, I need to get you somewhere safe." It's difficult to remain gentle but I remind myself he's a child, not a soldier. Demand had to be coaxed. As he moves further back in the crawl space my breath catches in my throat. "Take my hand." I want to plead with him, but I remain strong.

"You can't help me…" The words bring tears to the boys eyes as he scoots even further into the crawl space.

"Shepard, in here!" Anderson calls as I glance at him. He beckons me to follow.

I look into the crawl space and find it empty. My heart jumps to my throat and panic surges through my veins. "Wait!" Before I know it I'm crawling in after him. "Wait!" I cry again.

The boy is just around the corner, hugging his legs as his face is buried in his knees. Slowly I reach out and touch him, my fingers barely making any contact with his skin at all. His eyes meet mine and he reaches out to touch my face.

"How come you're not scared?"

"I am," I reply my voice breaking for a moment. "Come with me, I promise you'll be safe with me."

For a moment he just stares I me, both of us can here Anderson's calls as he watches me closely. My hand takes his from my face and I hold it between us. Finally the boy nods and begins to crawl past me towards Anderson's voice. I follow close behind.

"Shepard we have to hurry," Anderson reminds me irritably.

"Let's go," I reply. I feel a little hand slide into mine as Anderson leads. It's time to protect and lead.

"Shepard?" the boy said quietly. "Is that your name?"

"My last name, you can call me Jane," I replied. "What's your name?"

"Carter."

"Well Carter, you're safe with me," I reply squeezing his hand.

Anderson pulled me down and began firing. "Shepard! Husks ahead!"

The fear illuminated Carter's eyes again as I pulled him down beside me. "Do exactly as I say and right now stay down!"

Never had I had to drag a child through a war zone, yet there I was protecting a little boy as I fought for a path to the Normandy. As the ship approached I pulled him into my arms and jumped onto the platform. Carter clung to my leg as I looked to Anderson.

"Come on!" I called extending my arm to him, ready to help him across.

Anderson looked at me, then back at the Alliance soldiers. "No, I'm staying here. This is where they need me."

I looked at Carter, wanting so badly to tell him that I was going to stay and fight too then. But there beside me was proof I needed to go. The universe needed to know the real threat and if I didn't go to the Citadel all forms of life could be over.

"Stay safe, sir," I replied doing an excellent job removing all emotion from my voice.

Anderson turned around, but quickly stopped. "Oh, and consider yourself reinstated."

He tossed my dog tags at me and I snatched them from the air. The Normandy began its route to the sky as Carter and I watched civilians hurry into an emergency transport unit to escape. A reaper emerged and I could hear the guns energizing. My teeth clenched praying they would make it out.

The units were in the air as the red beam shined form the reaper. Carter buried his face in my stomach as the explosion from both ships screamed at us to get away faster. A hand fell on my shoulder. I didn't even have to look to know it was Kaidan, trying to save all of us from any more emotional trauma by heading into the Normandy. But the damage was done, Earth was being torn apart and people were dying.

Now was the time to fight, but more importantly now was the time to have something to fight for.

_So this chapter wasn't long but I wanted everyone to get a taste. What do you think? Continue or scrap it? Read and review!_

_Love always, Marilynn_


	2. Coming Back

_Chapter Two is up! I hope you all enjoy… I know, I know. Tense is a very confusing thing for me, but I try. I originally wanted to make this kinda present tense but as I continued I realized that it's just easier to write in past tense. Who knows what I'll do next time? Hehe. Well, enjoy!_

Carter was clinging to me as I moved through the Normandy with an irritable James on my heels. "What the hell's going on? Where's Anderson? Where are we going?" James demanded not even glancing at Carter as I hurried on. He stopped, obviously fed up with unanswered questions. "Hey!"

I glance behind me but keep walking. "We're leaving."

"Leaving?" he asked so shocked his voice nearly cracks. I don't satisfy him with a reply, instead I take control of the computer near Kaidan.

The seriousness of the situation hits Kaidan immediately. "What's going on?" he asks much more calmly than James, but the concern still evident. For some reason I find myself replying to him easier.

"Anderson wants us to go to the Citadel, get help for the fight," I explain.

"Bullshit!" James snapped causing Carter to cling to me tighter. "He wouldn't order us to leave!"

My posture straightens as I squeeze the little boy's hand. The leader inside of me comes out, but with enough emotion to make him understand that I hate this as well. But this wasn't the time to argue; there was too much to do. "Don't you think I'd rather stay and fight? But without help this war is already over!"

James takes a threatening step towards me that immediately grinds my nerves. In the time I had known him never had he struck me as the insubordinate type, yet there he was challenging my every step.

"Then you can drop me off at the nearest depot, because I'm not leaving!"

All I can do is speak through gritted teeth so I don't snap right there. "I get it, you don't want to go. But this isn't the time to fight me! We are on the same side and if we don't find more to fight alongside us, this is done!"

I don't bother trying to argue any farther, instead I turn back to the screen.

"Commander!" a voice calls breaking my concentration.

"Joker?" I ask utterly surprised, but just the sound of a familiar voice made me smile. "Is that you?"

"Alive and kicking!" The smile in his voice is evident, but it quickly changes back to business. "I have an emergency transmission from Admiral Hackett for you."

"Patch it through," I reply leaning into the screen more.

The transmission is broken up and it's difficult to understand but I get the general idea: Earth is in bad shape without help. Nothing I didn't already know.

"I'm already on my way to the Citadel, Anderson's orders." I reply, ready to go on to tell him that I know the priority mission.

"First I need you-outpost on Mars- Before we lose control of the systems. -been researching Prothean archives there with Dr. T'Soni. -Found a way to stop the reapers. -Only way to stop them. -In contact soon. Hackett out."

All I can do is nod as static fills the screen just before it goes blank. I inhale deeply then raise my blank gaze to directly ahead. "Joker, set our path to Mar's Archives."

"Mars?" Kaidan asked blinking.

"Yeah, Mars," I replied. I move across the room to the gear. I pick up the my helmet and ran my hand over the familiar N7. Holding that armor again increases my heart rate. The mix of emotion that I never had time for sprang to my stomach.

A little hand reached out and touched the armor as well. "Do I get to go?" he asked looking up at me.

I shook my head and kneeled to his level. "Afraid not, little man. You're going to have to stay on this ship. But don't worry, Edi and Joker will look after you." I look up, almost as though I am talking to the heavens. "Isn't that right Edi?"

"Of course Commander Shepard. Though I have no experience in child rearing I will be sure to study up in my free time," the electronic voice replied.

Carter didn't looked completely convinced. "What about you?" he asked. "Who's going to take care of you?"

Kaidan stepped in from behind me and put a hand on my back. The mere closeness brought back many memories from the first time we touched, even the pain of Horizon. But I wouldn't trade any of it. Kaidan was the one thing that kept me fighting those years ago. Now I had another person to fight for.

"Don't worry about her," he teased. "She can take care of herself, but just in case she needs some help I'll be there to be sure she makes it out okay."

Carter looked up at Kaidan and nodded yet he didn't look completely convinced. He looked more closely at what Kaidan was wearing and suddenly relaxed a little more. "You're Allience? My dad was Allience." His eyes fell to the ground and suddenly afraid to look up at either of us. "But he died."

I know his story isn't unique in anyway but it still hurts me. Burns me even. To think of the short life this boy has had and the pain he has already gone through and now the world is literally crashing down around him. All I wanted to do was fix it, tell him that this was all a bad dream and when he awoke tomorrow, he'd be back on Earth safe in his bed. Perhaps the worst feeling of all was knowing that if I didn't make it through this all, another fraction of his life would be taken away. Yet if I failed, if the reapers won, it didn't matter.

The universe's last hope. I never asked to be this person, but it was who I was and who I had to be.

Kaidan touched my shoulder, a simple jester that told me he knew what was running through my brain and reminding me that he was there. He was ready to stand beside me like he had so many years ago. Granted there were many things that we still have inbetween us, but both of us remember that night before Saren. The night I will not soon forget.

"I'm going to take him to the observation deck and put a vid on for him. Let him get settled on the couch and maybe get some sleep," I tell Kaidan wanting to ignore my professional obligations and fall into his comforting arms.

He nodded in reply as I reached out for Carter and guided him to the elevator. He clings so tightly to my hand I almost wonder if he is afraid of the enclosed space, but as we arrived on the floor he only clung tighter.

I walk down the hall, past the crew sleeping quarters and into the observation deck. It's by far the most child-friendly area of the ship, though I'm not sure if I am qualified to determine child-friendliness. As I attempt to let go of his hand to turn on a vid, he only clings tighter.

It was then that I realized what he was truly afraid of. This child had already lost his father and his home had been destroyed before his very eyes. Everything this boy had was gone and I was the only thing that was willing to hold on to him, to pull him out of that crawl space, to care. In one day this child's life was destroyed.

I look down into the frightened grey-blue eyes and knee to his level. The fear and pain were etched so clearly in his eyes it hurt me more than I would like to admit. I was supposed to be tough Commander Shepherd, but this boy made me see things it hurt me to see.

His eyes dropped to his feet as he stepped closer to me. "Jane?" The mere tone brought shivers down my spine. I wanted to protect him from the world and I couldn't.

"Yes, sweet heart?" I reply giving him my full attention.

"My mom is dead too isn't she? Carter's entire body began to tremble as his hands wrapped around his body, as though trying to hug his own pain away. Tears shimmered in the light as he raised his gaze to mine. "She told me to run and then there was this red light and I didn't see her anymore…"

My own tears threaten to fall as his little chin quivered. "She's with Dad, isn't she? And Dad was in the Alliance and he died and you're in the Alliance…" His words were speeding up now and tears were falling faster.

I pull him against me and shush him gently. His arms wrap around my neck and he buries his damp face into my neck as sobs erupt from his body.

"I'm coming back, don't worry. Kaidan and James have my back. They'll be sure we all come back." I stroke his soft hair until he pulls back and looks at me. His eyes are puffy and blood shot while his cheeks are blotched with tears. Slowly I raise one hand and cup his cheek. "Carter, I'm coming back, but you need to stay here and listen to Edi and Joker. Okay?"

My fingers wipe away a few stray tears that continue to fall and I press my lips to his forehead. I thought back to the time my mother came home from a mission and my father didn't. The terrible memory of her holding me and wiping away my tears as I mourned my father. I was going to be there for him. I was going to protect him from all the terrible things in the world. At least I was going to try.

Carter swallowed hard and nodded. "You're coming back," he said strongly.

"I'm coming back, and when I do you and I are going to the Citadel. We'll talk to the council and then we'll explore. You and me." I took both his hands in mine and squeezed them tightly.

As I put my armor on, I felt suddenly distraught about leaving the boy in such an unstable condition. But having him up there waiting for me gave me even more of a reason to come out of all of this alright. Him, and the man standing next to me also loading his gun.

_Hope you all like that chapter! Be sure to review! It always makes me more determined to make time to write when I get you're lovely reviews. Thank you! Love, Marilynn._


	3. Right Time

_So this is definitely a longer chapter. I love all the reviews! They keep me going. I hope you guys like this chapter too! _

"She's got the data!" Kaidan calls as I immediately pull my gun, ready for a fight with Cerberus's recruit. But when she doesn't immediately fire I find myself running after her, desperate for the dire information.

"She's faster than she looks!" Liara warns as I round the corner. I can feel both of them on my heels also struggling to keep up.

"Stay close! We can't lose her!" I call over my shoulder, but don't slow my pace.

A chase around a base I was unfamiliar with was something I could honestly say I had never done before, but before I knew it I was on pursuit. Dr. Eva was fast, beyond fast, she was unnaturally fast. She turns around and opens fire on me again, and I barely have time to duck as I hear a ship fly overhead. Liara calls to me, but I'm too focused to hear.

She keeps pulling further ahead as I tire from jumping over objects and the continous sprinting. My options are running low. "James, you read me?" I call out as I try to increase my speed. There's no time to wait for a reply. "Cerberus has the data!"

Another box to jump over, I can no long even see Kaidan and Liara behind me. The radio transmission breaks up but I continue with demands. "Radio the Normandy! Get them down here now!"

The moment the doors open my heart skips a beat. This can't be over. Cerberus can't win! Those plans are the universe's last hope against the reapers and I have to have them! As she jumps in I open fire, praying for the right shot, but as the ship raises, I lower my gun.

"Damnit! James! Normandy! Anybody!" I cry needing this last shot.

A blue light shines from the sky and I hear the nearly cocky sound of James's voice come over the radio. "I got this one!" The blue ship closes in. I expect him to open fire, but no, instead he slams it into the other sending the ship right at the three of us on the ground.

All three of us dive out of the way as flames erupt. Immediately I get to my feet and offer a hand to Kaidan who waves it off. Instead I wave James down and wait for him to land. As the ship ungracefully scrapes against the ground I groan aloud. Slowly he is working his way to my bad side.

He hops out of the ship as though nothing has happened. "Normandy's in route. They'll be here soon."

It takes all I can to just nod at his coolness. Liara's muffled voice barely reaches my ear before I hear metal slam against metal. The moment I hear shots fire, I break into a run to the other side of the ship, my gun ready. As I round the corner I see Kaidan being picked up with one hand by his face mask by a whole new looking Dr. Eva. Her skin silver and her eyes a horrifying glowing blue.

"Kaidan!" I immediately gasp without thinking. My finger itches at the trigger as I lock my target on her. "Let him go!" I demand.

She seems unfazed by the guns pointed at her or even the stress of holding a man's wait. She reaches to hear ear and turns her head away. "Orders?" she asked calmly.

My body is frozen as she nods and suddenly spins around. She pulls back her arm and I gasp. "No!" Over and over again she slams Kaidan's head into the outer part of the ship. I want to fire but I can't; I could hit Kaidan. The moment she turns around though, I open fire.

Over and over again I shoot, but she keeps running at me. My clip is nearly empty but finally she falls at me feet, dead. I stare at her for a moment, wanting to unload the rest of my clip into her body for petty revenge. But my need to get to Kaidan forces my feet to sprint to his side, barely making time to tell James to grab the doctor's body.

My knees hit the ground beside Kaidan as I turn him over. It was moments like these I knew I couldn't speak. The damn radios would tell everyone the secrets and depths of my weakness. Instead, my hand slides into his and squeeze.

_Come on, Kaidan…_

"Shepard, we've got signature in orbit," Joker calls over the radio pulling me back into the mission.

With a mixture of luck and skill I maneuver Kaidan onto my shoulders and follow Liara and James into the ship. The entire time telling myself this isn't how this is supposed to end. No, we were supposed to retire and grow old and tell war stories, either that or die together fighting the war against the reapers. Yes, I remembered Horizon, but I also remember fighting Saren together and the first time he held me in his arms. If the roles were reversed and Kaidan had been working with Cerberus, I'm not sure I wouldn't have reacted similarly.

*Normandy*

The moment the elevator doors open I see Carter standing in the mess hall with wide eyes. Granted I did have a very hurt Kaidan balanced on my shoulders while James carried in a dead woman who was looking a little on the crispy side.

I hurried into the medical bay and laid Kaidan on a table as gently as possible. My entire body was trembling with emotion and exhaustion as I clutched the table and squeezed my eyes shut, pushing away the tears.

Liara leans towards me on the opposite side of the table. She's known me for years. She knows the history, she knows I need help.

"Kaidan need medical attention," she says as commanding as I have ever heard her, but I can't force a reply. All I can manage is to shift my weight and look down at him as tears begin to get hard to keep away. Liara tries to gain my eye contact but I can't look away from him, I can't lose him. "We have to leave the Sol system."

"I know." I can hear my voice crack, but I hope nobody else does.

Liara tries again. "The Citadel is our best chance. We can find help there."

I nod. "Get us to the Citadel Joker."

"Rodger that."

A small voice catches me off guard. "He's going to be okay right?"

I turn around to see Carter standing only a couple steps back from me looking at Kaidan with frightened eyes. The innocence in his voice makes my first tear escape. The only one that even sees is Liara though.

"James, go tell Joker to be sure medical aid will there upon arrival," Liara said calmly.

Without argument, he exited the medical bay. Liara came over next to me and placed a hand on my shoulder. "You are a being with feelings, even the first human spectre is allowed to have emotion."

The kindest words I had heard in years were ones telling me that it's okay to be human by a nonhuman. Another tear slipped through my guard, but I silently swore that would be the last one. Even if it was alright to have emotion, didn't mean I wanted it. Commander Shepard didn't cry.

"Jane?" Carter slipped in beside me and look up with those beautiful eyes. "Kaidan's going to be okay."

It didn't sound like a question this time. And for that I thanked him.

I nodded at him and looked back at Kaidan's already bruised face. "He's tough. One of the toughest."

Liara knelt down and looked Carter in the eye. "A child's prayers are said to heal, child. Will you pray with us?"

Carter stared at her for a moment as I realized this was probably his first contact with aliens and she was kneeling in front of him asking him to pray with her. He looked up to me for help. I merely nodded my head and closed my eyes as my fingers entwine with Kaidan's. Granted I'm not sure if Liara knew that I knew asari's religion included the acceptance of death and praying for life wasn't something practiced. It was kind of her to try and relate to the little boy's culture and help him.

It was kind of her to relate to my own culture and help me out.

"Would you like to pray out loud?" Liara asked Carter as he took my free hand.

He nodded and closed his eyes tight. "God, please take care of Mr. Kaidan. He's been hurt and Jane's really scared. Please help all the people back on Earth and help them get away from the scary red light. And thank you for helping Jane find me." My eye pop open and I look over to the little boy who still seemed to be in deep concentration. "I was scared. Since my mom and dad are in heaven with you, are you giving me a new mom and dad?"

The rest of his prayer was cut short by Edi's voice echoing over the ship. "Commander, I'm receiving a signal over the secondary QEC. I believe it's Admiral Hackett."

I groan aloud and look over at Liara. "Stay with Kaidan, will you?"

Liara nodded, but Carter was on my heels as I nearly sprinted around the ship. As I approached the image was static and barely audible. I slowed my pace. "Edi, can you clear this up?"

"I'll do my best commander."

The feed improved, but just barily. Carter stayed close behind me, watching the feed carefully. The Admiral seemed completely uncaring about the child behind me, he was focused on our main priority: the archives.

"Did you get the archives?" he asked urgently.

"I was there, and so was the illusive man," I reply matter-of-factly sure that this wasn't going to be a good conversation, but then again it rarely was with the admiral.

He seemed to take great interest, his hand going to his chin as he considered this for a moment. "I was worried he might try something," he said almost to himself before looking back up at me. "Did you get the data?"

"Most of it. He downloaded some before I could stop him. I'm going to have Liara and Edi work together on it."

Carter began to get braver and peek around my hips to get a better look at the holographic man before us, but I put one hand out to be sure he kept enough distance.

Admiral Hackett nodded. "Have you learned anything yet?"

Liara appeared around the corner first turning her attention to the admiral and then to me. "James is with Kaidan." I nodded in reply before she turned back to the admiral. "From what I have seen of it so far is that it's the blueprint for some sort of Prothean device."

This information surprised all of us. "Device?"

Liara turns on her codex and an image of a circular object appears infront of us. "A weapon, massive in size and scope, that's capable of unquantifiable levels of destruction."

I expect this to please Hackett, but for some reason it didn't. "Send me the data, we'll do our own analysis. If you're correct this may be the key to stopping the reapers."

Liara nodded and disappeared out of the room. "I hope you're correct." I glanced toward the door. "Major Alenko was critically injured. We're taking him to the Citadel."

"I'm sorry to hear that Shepard, but we both know it's just the beginning." For the first time since the conversation started the admiral noticed Carter peeking around my waist. "And who is this?"

Though the phrase is most commonly said with near affection when said to a child, this was not. It bordered on annoyance. Immediately I got defensive and placed a hand on Carter's shoulder pulling him into my side. Instantly he warms to me and keeps to my side.

"He was on Earth when the reapers attacked. I ran into him on the way to the Normandy," I explain, half expecting a scolding or a lecture of how a military ship is not a place for kids. But instead I heard the most irritating words I have ever been forced to hear.

"This is not a time for a personal life, Shepard," he said simply, with a tone that said I should know better than to even try to live a little.

My fury burned inside me. How dare he? How dare he tell me I can't have a life to live? I did not belong to him, I had my own mind, my own body, and I have risked it all for this galaxy more than once.

"With all due respect," the phrase that you always say to your authority when meaning 'you selfish bastard', "I believe that if I have an urge to have a social life, I deserve one." He opened his mouth to speak but I quickly added. "Don't fight me on this, I rarely lose."

His mouth snapped into a thin, disapproving line. "Talk to the council and show them what you've found." He reached down to end the feed, but looked back up again to add. "Try to not bring anymore strays home." The hologram disappears.

Part of me wants to summon him back just to let him have a piece of my mind, but somehow I resist. Probably because the main thing that has gotten me this far is maintaining self control. People rarely see how short tempered I truly am, mostly because I can bite my tongue and take it. I find this as a curse and a blessing, mostly because of the age I'm already feeling from the weight of the world on my shoulder.

Another realization hit me. Was it fair to drag a kid into this life? A life filled with violence, death, and pain. I remember living on ships as a child, but it was the only thing I ever knew. I had never even been to Earth until I joined the Alliance. I never had that normal childhood. Carter had no chance of regaining his Earth home, but dragging him into the military life wasn't exactly fair either.

"He's not very friendly is he?" Carter asked sounding a little angry as well, but he most likely only was angry because he sensed my anger.

I couldn't help but agree. Hackett never was my favorite person, but now he was working his way to my shit list.

"Jane, is the council going to make Kaidan better? The kids at school say the council has magic powers. Do they really?"

Immediately his question brought a smile to my face. I loved how children implicated leadership. I remember thinking something similar when I was young. These people who wore funny clothing reminded me of creature in story books and their authority and influence meant they _must_ have been magical.

Yet somewhere along the way I realized that ruling with a big stick only meant you had a big stick. Some people are afraid of it, some people challenge it, and some people try and take it away. I had seen it all with the council. As you make your way up the food chain you realize how irritating that big stick can be. They are suppose to be leading us, granted every decision is blinded by the unknown, but the reason you have that stick to check to see if the path is clear. As a being I knew I was suppose to respect the council, which I did, but as a leader I hoped they remembered that trillions were in there hands.

Suddenly I stopped and looked down at Carter. This boy was as much of the future as I was. He was so young and yet so important.

"Carter?" I asked, forgetting his question.

The little boy looked up at me curiously.

"I want you to be strong okay? I know a lot of scary things are coming and more people will get hurt and worse, but you have to be strong okay?" I kneel in front of him, a sign of importance and respect. I didn't want him to have to look up at me, I needed him to understand that at this moment we were equals, that I had no influence on his decision. "Carter, if you stay with me on this ship you may have to go through some things that you won't like. Scary things and sad things and sometime just bad things."

I sighed and looked away for a second searching for the right way to say this. "Carter, if you would rather live with a family on the Citadel, I'm sure I can arrange that."

I studied him in an attempt to read his emotions, but all I received was a mixture of fear, hurt, and sadness flash through his eyes. "You don't want me to stay here?"

The question caught me off guard. I wasn't used to having to spell out my emotions, but children don't always here the unsaid feelings buried in words.

I take one of his hands and give him a half hearted smile. "Of course I want you to stay, but I don't want you to be sad if you stay. Living on a ship isn't that great of a life. I'd know."

Again I searched his face, hoping he'd understand.

Finally he wrapped his arms around my neck and held on tight. "I wanna stay. I really wanna stay. Don't make me go. I'll be good, I swear. I'll listen and I behave, just don't make me leave."

I held onto him tight, as though someone really trying to take him away. "I won't, I swear."

Carter, at that moment became my family. I woke up this morning on Earth without my title and with security at my door. But as the day ends, I end it as Commander Shepard of the Normandy, a spectre, a friend, and a mother. My life changed in an instant and I was ready to accept the change while there was still a life to live.

_So what did you think? Please let me know! Review please! Love always, Marilynn_


	4. Human

_Chapter 4 is finally up. Sorry, I've been really busy and been bouncing between stories as well as homework. I hope you guys enjoy! Oh and hey! You should check out my other ME story. "The Lost Girl". _

Chapter 4

Carter clung to my hand as the medics rolled Kaidan away. When I didn't immediately follow, he looked up at me. "Are we not going too?" Carter asked.

Liara answered for me. "We have to speak to the Council."

James nodded behind her. "Right."

The big blue eyes widened more than I had ever seen them as we neared the balcony. The hustle and bustle of the Citadel was unlike anything else in the galaxy, I would know. He grabbed the railing and went up on his tiptoes to get a better look over the railing. Somehow, even in the cautious I found myself smiling at his excitement.

I took a step closer to him and joined him admiring the view. The Citadel truly was amazing.

"Commander Shepard. Got word you were arriving." Immediately I turned around to see an old ally with a knowing smile.

I took a step toward him and offered out my hand with he took with a certain authority that I could respect. "Captain Bailey. Good to see you again."

He seemed to nearly smirk at this as Carter appeared between us watching him curiously. He was really beginning to adapt to this new life quickly, embracing the uniqueness rather than fearing it.

Bailey, like most, ignored him. "You too, though it's 'commander' now."

I stared at him for a moment analyzing the way he spoke. The new title didn't seem welcomed. I raised my eyebrow. "Congratulations?"

Liara seemed to try to distract Carter by pulling him out of between me and Bailey and directing his attention to a flashy shuttle flying by. All I could manage was a nod for a thank you as Bailey continued.

"Uh, thanks. Now half my job is dealing with political bullshit and escorting dignitaries around," he looked up at me and gave me a smirk. "No offense."

Maybe the years just hadn't been kind to Bailey, but I didn't remember him being so cranky. The dry humor was enough to make me realize that at least I was on his good side.

I gave him a small smile. "None taken. So you're here to bring us to the council?"

Bailey merely turned around and I waved Liara and the others to follow. Carter fell into step beside me as the James and Liara followed behind.

"I'm here to tell you that the council is expect you but they're dealing with their own… problems. With the war and everything. They apologize for the inconvenience, and blah, blah, blah… meet them here at Udina's office. They'll be ready soon enough."

I groaned inwardly. Of course, that's the classic council. "Alright." I glanced down at Carter, he wasn't going to want to sit around and wait. Telling him we were going to have to put off exploring even longer didn't exactly seem like it was going to be easy to tell him.

Bailey caught my glance and smiled at Carter. "Cute kid, didn't know you had one."

The small smile that appeared on my lips as James picked up the little boy to a better view of the picture of the old council and the boy trying to guess what kind of aliens they were. He guess the Asari and Salarians but the others were a mystery to him.

"Kind of a new thing," I replied feeling almost a little stupid for the amount of affection I had for the child.

Bailey raised his eyebrow. "Don't worry commander. You're secret is safe with me. As many people as you pissed off in this galaxy, it's a wonder you don't keep him locked up somewhere."

I blinked at him. I honestly hadn't stopped and thought about it yet, but he was right, very right. There was a line of people, mercenaries, hell just plain dumb asses that would love to hurt me in some form or another and before I didn't have a weakness, now I did. Now I had Carter.

Regret filled my body. How stupid could I be? Did I really just open my heart and place a target on the boy's head? It felt like it. Then again, there was a war going on that many people believed only I could end. Would this make them less likely to attack?

I must have kept my emotions hidden with a stone face because Bailey only shrugged it off. "You probably have time to go by the medical center, if you want to check on progress over there."

All I could do was nod and thank him as he disappeared into his office. Carter smiled brightly up at me and pointed to a krogan that was walking by. "Janey, what that?" he asked curiously, and also perhaps bluntly.

_Janey, hmm, Mom used to call me that…_ I thought as I took his hand pulled it down. "That's a krogan. They're not exactly the friendliest of aliens, and it's rude to point." The moment I added the last part I realized my jump into guardianship. Somehow I had just turned into my mother. Not that it was a bad thing, considering my mother was one of the toughest soldiers I knew and she taught me the best way to live my life.

"What do you say you and I grab something to eat and then we go see Kaidan?" I glanced over my shoulder at Liara and James. "Why don't you guys go explore? There's really no point you following me around."

Both of them nodded a politely dismissed themselves. Carter clung to my hand as I we walked past a small restaurant. We took a seat inside and much to my surprise Carter slid in beside me in the booth. A young human waitress came up almost immediately.

"Hello, my name is Katara, can I start you off with one of famous lemonades? They say it taste just like it does on Earth," she said pleasantly. I could already tell that she had most likely never been to Earth but she at least did enjoy the drink.

"Lemonade?" I asked Carter who nodded vigorously. "We'll take two."

The waitress nodded and hustled away. Carter was looking over my shoulder at the holographic menu, every once and a while touching a selection that showed us an image of the actual meal. Finally he decided on a burger and I decided on a chicken salad. After all, Anderson had made it clear to me earlier that I needed to get back into shape.

When the waitress arrived with our food Carter watched me with his usual observing eyes, every once and a while taking a bite of his burger and fries. I offered him a bite of my salad which he cautiously accepted, but after swallowing scrunched his face and stuck out his tongue.

"My mom's not coming back, is she?" he asked so suddenly I nearly choked on a bite of my salad. "Because the bad aliens got her right?"

I frowned at him. The truth was his mother could still be alive. There was always a chance, but the possibility was extremely thin. I hated to admit it but this boy was now alone, except for me. He had me.

"Sweetie, I don't know, but I'm going to be here for you okay? I'll take care of you."

We ate in mostly silence, every once and a while Carter would look up at me and ask me a question but nothing very serious. When he was finally finished, I laid credits on the table and offer the little boy my hand. It was time to go see Kaidan.

As I walked into the medical bay, Carter clung to my hand. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a familiar face watching me curiously. Doctor Chakwas.

"Shepard, there you are," she said as though expecting me. Then again, I suppose she was.

"Doctor Chakwas. You're here?" I replied shocked, but happy to see an old friend's face.

She shrugged. "I'm working at an Alliance R&D lab down at Sheko Wards. Coordinating closely with Admiral Hackett. I heard you escaped Earth in the Normandy and that someone was critically injured. I came as fast as I could." She looked down at Carter and smiled. "I always picture you with a kid, but I don't recall you ever mentioning him."

I raised an eyebrow. Yes, technically I could have had a child before I met Chakwas, but even I wouldn't be able to hide a child for several years. Plus, Chakwas had access to my medical records.

"You know me," I played casting a small smile in her direction, "always full of surprises." I cleared my throat and glanced toward the main hospital. "Have you heard anything about Kaidan?"

"He's doing very well, all things considered. I'm impressed with his resilience," she smiled, if only for my benefit.

"You know, you belong on Normandy's medical bay and not in some lab," I replied absentmindedly running a hand over Carter's smooth hair.

She caught my drift and stood a little straighter. "You say the word and I'm back with you on the Normandy."

I extended my hand towards her. "The Normandy wouldn't be the same without you, Doctor. Get your things. Docking bay D24."

She took it. "Yes commander, and thank you."

I shook my head and looked down at Carter who was listening patiently. He looked up and met my gaze with beautiful eyes. The things he had seen the day before hidden somewhere behind them.

"Don't thank me just yet," I replied almost gravely before looking up to her with a near mischievous smile. "Remember, Joker's still aboard."

There was a small chuckled that escaped her. "And I'd be surprised if he's been remembering his medication."

I laughed softly as she shook her head and walked away. In a way, I needed that. The small part of normalcy before I experience the hell that roared in every direction. A large part of it laid in a bed only yards away.

Carter grabbed a hold of my shirt as I lead the way to Kaidan's room. The door slid open silently as I held in some sort of hope that he was going to be okay. That he was going to wake up and be my Kaidan again. But right then, he wasn't going to.

He looked so weak. His eyes bruised underneath and the paleness of his face made me hurt. Slowly I approached him, finding his hand and carefully squeezing it. _Be okay. _

Carter stepped in between me and the bed and laid his hand on top of both of ours. "Do you love him?" the little boy asked simply, as though it was an everyday type of question.

My gaze never left Kaidan's face. "Yes, very much. I love him more than I could even tell you." Without thinking, my grip tightened around Kaidan's hand. "That's why you have to wake up!" I snapped harshly at the unconscious body before me. "You have you fight! You have you be okay. This galaxy needs you. _I_ need you."

Hot tears burned behind my eyes. I wanted to scream at him and cry into his chest. I wanted to be able to be the weak one, just for a second, but I couldn't. I never was allowed to be weak. No, weak was too _human_ for a spectre. But I was human. I was hurting. And I hated the universe for taking everything from me.

_Don't you dare take him away from me too. Ashley, the best friend I ever had, you took from me. You've killed me and brought me back, but if you take Kaidan I will give up this fight. I will spend the rest of my living days reminding myself what living is actually like._

"Janey?" Carter tugged on my clothing looking up to me with concerned eyes.

I forced a smile and looked back at Kaidan. "I don't know if you can hear me, but…" I trailed off. He couldn't tell me to get the hell out at the moment either, but I decided against it in front of Carter. Instead, I cleared my throat and placed my other hand on Kaidan's arm.

"Don't die, Kaidan. You've got to fight. We need you in this." My voice caught slightly. "Seeing you in action, reminding me you're one hell of a soldier. The Alliance could sure use you." I stopped and looked down as a tear trickled down my cheek. "I could use you."

Arms wrapped around my waist and a face buried itself in my stomach.

_Wake up, Kaidan. I need you more than ever._

_*So what do you think? Please review! Love always, Marilynn Rae._


	5. Nightmares

_I want to thank you all for all the wonderful reviews! They definitely keep me writing! Hope you enjoy this chapter too!_

Chapter 5: Nightmares

James half heartedly took Carter's attention long enough for me to get cleaned up and see Bailey, a _charming _reporter from my past, and the council. None of which went quite the way I thought it would. Liara and I received little more that ridiculous looks, but it seemed that they were _partly_ willing to listen.

The council, as usual, frustrated me. If we stand together we may have a chance, but this every species for themselves. Only positive side? My spectre status reinstated. Of course it didn't really feel all that great. If possible I felt extra weight being laid on my shoulders.

As I left the office I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. Over and over again, I've proved to the council that when I cry wolf, they need to take aim too! But of course they don't see this. Everything is too much of a foggy gray to realize this situation is pretty much black and white: fight alone, we die or fight together, we stand a chance.

People all around me were clinging to each other, but not in obvious fear, more in lust. I had never seen so much affection on the citadel before. But before I could even put too much more thought into it, I saw a little boy running at me excitedly.

"Janey!" the little boy exclaimed excitedly as he plowed into me. "James taught me how to flirt with girls."

I rolled my eyes and caught a very proud grin spread over James's lips. The man only shrugged as Liara shook her head. The look on James's face told me this was going to be an interesting story.

"Who knew a kid was such an attraction for the ladies?" James said almost proudly picking him up and doing a sort of salute to an asari passing who respond with a flirtatious grin.

Immediately I grabbed Carter away from him glared at James. "Please don't use Carter as a way to pick up women."

Liara giggled while Carter looked at her curiously. "You're really pretty." The compliment made Liara blush slightly but smile at him brightly. Then suddenly he looked back at me. "But Janey's really, really pretty."

Much to everyone's surprise, even my own, I blushed. "Thanks," I mumbled.

Carter sensed my discomfort and tilted his head, confused. "Janey?"

"The commander has never been one for compliments, that's all," Liara explained blissfully.

Carter didn't seem to quite understand this, but quickly dismissed it. Instead he tugged on my hand excitedly. "Wanna see what James taught me?"

He was nearly bouncing up and down, but I nervously accepted.

Without another word he snapped his fingers, pointed at Liara, and winked. With a voice probably as deep as he could go he nodded at her and said, "How you doing?"

James burst into triumphant laughter while Liara buried her face in her hands, unable to completely hide the humorous smile. I on the other hand couldn't help but smirk and roll my eyes. Great influences this kid had.

"This kid is going to be a stud, you just watch. He'll have all the ladies wrapped around his little finger," James chirped, a little too proud of what he had taught the boy.

I just shook my head and took Carter's hand as we started to head back to the Normandy.

It had been a long day for all of us. Actually long was an understatement. So much had happened and changed that it wasn't until I had tucked Carter into my bed and I was finally able to lay down on the couch that I realized how exhausting the day had been. Too much had happened. Part of me wanted to believe that it was all a dream, that I would go to sleep and wake up and be back on Earth. But I knew it wasn't. It would have been too good to be true.

Carter fell asleep immediately, but I couldn't. I laid there and stared up at the ceiling, feeling like it would been unfair of me to waste time sleeping when Kaidan was in the hospital and Earth under attack. There was too much to do.

Yet, I could practically hear Kaidan's voice whispering in my ear that I was no used to anyone if I wasn't at a hundred percent.

It would be easier to sleep if I had him with me though. I could close my eyes and let everything melt away. He had that effect on me, the only person that ever had any sort of effect of that kind on me. He made me feel…safe.

"_Janey!"_ _Carter was yelling for me, but the forest was too thick, I could barely see him. _

"_Janey!" I tried to run my I felt like I was in sand, the ground absorbing every step making me to slow to run after the ghostly image. _

"_Jane!" another voice called. It was too familiar. I stopped and turned around. There was Kaidan, reaching out for me._

_I stare at him for a moment before Carter's screams pierce my heart. My hand reaches out for Kaidan's. "Come on! We have to save him!" I cry, desperation evident in my voice. But all I catch is air as Kaidan's figure turns to air. _

_No! No! All I want is to call out for them but I don't have a voice. It's gone._

"_Janey!" I hear Carter's voice cry again. _

_My feet bolt after the sound, this time able to run faster. I see the glowing image of Carter in front of me. Standing beside him, holding him, is Kaidan. Tears spring to my eyes as I reach out to put my arms around them. But something holds me back. The image of Carter in Kaidan's arms turns to ash as fire consumes them. I scream out but all I can hear is laughter. _

_**You can't save them. It's already over.**_

I jump awake, my body dripping in sweat, fear making my body tremble so violently I feel like a child. For more than a minute I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to check and see if Carter was still lying on the bed. Too afraid of what would happen if he wasn't.

Finally, I open my eyes and glance to the bed. The small outline of Carter is visible, but it wasn't until I actually laid my hand on his soft cheek that I felt even the least bit of contentment. He was sleeping peacefully.

Pressing my lips to his forehead, I pushed back my emotions. Grudgingly I left the room, hoping a small snack may distract me. But instead I ran into Liara.

"Liara," I blinked, coming out of my daze. "Can I help you?"

Normally I enjoyed Liara's company, but at the moment I wished she would just leave. No, I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts but I didn't want to talk either. Truthfully, I knew I was going to be unsatisfied either way.

Liara gave me a look over. "I've been forwarding the turian council information on the Prothean device. It can't be built without council support, but he's not budging until their primarch is safe."

I move past her towards the railing.

"I know," I mumble sleepily.

Of course. Everything as always landed on my shoulders and I felt like I was being pulled in every direction and no one cared about how I felt. For once I wanted the council to understand my side, to take my words at face value. If they had done this since the beginning maybe we'd be better prepared. Maybe this wouldn't have gone so far.

Yet, the universe if full of maybes and ifs. Perhaps none of it would have even mattered.

Liara stepped closer to me. "Are you alright?"

I push against the railing, resisting the urge to snap at her about how anyone could expect me to be alright. Nothing was alright. I was pissed at the entire universe, literally, and there was nothing I could do but suck it up and keep fighting. But do I say anything close to that? No. As always I remain the tough commander.

"I didn't get what you'd call a good night's rest," I tried with a half smile, too tired to cover all my emotions as I subconsciously popped my knuckles.

Liara took another step toward me, studying my face intently. "There's more to it than that isn't there. What is really bothering you?"

For a moment I just stare at her, not used to being caught in this sort of position. But I just shake my head. "You name it. Earth, the fact the council can't get their heads out of their asses to see what is going to happen if we don't work together, the fact they ignored us in the first place."

Liara shrugged. "At least they can't deny it any more. The reapers do exist." The look of pain in her eye did not help my emotional state at all, but there was a lot of strength in those eyes as well. "They'll come around, they've got to."

She turned away as I heard an ear piercing scream coming from my room. In an instant Liara and I were both in the room. Carter had pushed off all his covers and was sweating heavily. I reached out to him, touching his face.

"Carter, wake up!" I tried to sound calm and stern but I realized it only sounded like I was in a battle again giving my party instructions.

"MOM!" he screamed pushing me off, surprising me with his strength. Liara seemed to seem as frightened and concerned as I felt. As the little as Carter was, he was difficult to restrain as his flailing arms slammed against the head board and table on the bed.

Suddenly his tear stained eyes flew open and met mine. The small sweaty child just stared at me, panting for breath and continuing with his small sobs. The look was of disappointment and fear, and I understood why. I was not his mother. I was not the woman he was crying for in his dream. In truth I was barely more than a stranger to the child.

"Janey…" the boy choked through his tears as he finally reached out for me.

For a moment I nearly pull away, not sure what to do in this type of situation, but I don't in fear that it would hurt Carter more than anything else. He latches on to me and continues his tears, and all I can do is sit there and stare ahead.

Part of me wasn't sure if I could do this, another part reminded me I've done the impossible more than once.

Liara quietly excused herself, knowing it would be wise to get rest now before we go and get the turian primarch. It must have been nearly half an hour before Carter finally fell asleep again, this time seeming much more peaceful.

I moved back to the couch and sat down. Being a commander was hard, but I wasn't used to so much pulling at my heart strings. Ashley was better at this. She was the soldier who knew how to have that personal side. I on the other hand sometimes forgot how to handle emotions because it was like I so rarely received them. Kaidan showed me how to love in such a way that if he died I knew I would never be able to love anyone the same way again.

_Damn it Ash, I wish you were here. You would be able to talk to the kid at least. Be able to relate to him more. But I'm no good at this. I'm not good at opening up. _

Emotion grew with the lump in my throat as I pulled my knees into my chest.

_Mom, I wish you were here to help me. I wish I had the ability you had to just swoop in and make Carter better like you could with me. Why did I have to lose my mother and my best friend? Because I need you both now._

Though I wanted to, I refused to cry. Mom and Ashley had already been mourned and crying wouldn't do anything to help. So instead I picture the people who made the largest impact on my life together. Mom, Dad, Kaidan, Ashley, Liara, Joker, even Dr. Chakwas and now Carter with me. Laughing, drinking, eating.

Yet even the happiest image made me hurt, because I knew that the only time we'd all be together was in the afterlife.

_So, there is chapter five! What did you think? Please review! Love always, Marilynn. _


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